Living in a world of I do's through a cursed period of I can't. Meaning we love to get the Yes, I will marry you, then after the bells stop ringing we love to say, I can't anymore. Which leads to more depression, anxiety, and blah... This is a common plight that so many of my brothers and sisters in the armed forces deal with on a routine basis and I would like to point a finger to why.
BROKEN HOMES, Broken hearts, and Broken souls!
Besides the point that we want to be a changing force in this sometimes heinous world being the reason so we serve. Majority of my bros and sisters that serve come from broken homes, broken communities, and broken hearts. We usually come into the military missing a piece of ourselves that we wish were there. Rather it's absent parent support, a lack of rapport with our surrounding, poor families, or just plain overlooked by their communities because they aren't a D1 athlete, we are all broken in some way.
Take for instance, with me, I yearned for someone to show me genuine love and to be in a happy marriage. So I could fill the void of never having the true family household I would always see on TV. You know with the happy mom and dad, raising their kids together, and instead of whooping them giving them these loving lectures while filling up their cups on love! Hello Cosby and Brady Bunch theme songs! My yearning and rushing to achieve this goal caused me to skip steps and processes when meeting new woman. Which... led to more heartbreaks, 2 divorces, and a separated dad from his amazing kids (Miss my fantastic 4).
Unfortunately, this isn't just a common theme for me, but also my military family. It's time we addressed the issue with solutions and kill of this negative cycle:
1.) USE OUR INNER CIRCLES:
We have to do a better job of listening to our good friends and family (FnF) that ask those hinting questions that we try to ignore. Instead of considering these people as nuances (which some are) ice should realize why they are asking these questions. Questions like; Are you sure you're ready to get married to them? Why get married so soon, its only been 1 month? What is their favorite candy on a tuesday afternoon, after they just found out their Aunt Mildred just passed from a routine physical?...
Yes, it matters!
Our family and friends are trying to direct our brains to the realization of holding off. On the flip side if you're this caring FandF asking great question, you must realize not everyone picks up on subtleties. Sometimes you have to be straight cut and tell it like it is. Bro or Sis, slow your roll and take your time before you commit a crime. Instead just straight out ask them, Yo, are you sure they won't put you on alimony after this fling is over? Yea, that should wake them up nicely.
2.) STOP ENCOURAGING the BS!
Stop telling people they better not wait or they will miss out on the 1! In most cases, this is false! As the good country song plays, if it's meant to be/ it will be/ just let it be! GOD got you family. Nobody else will be in your house when you and this person everyone told you to rush and marry get into a strangling WWE match and end up both in jail. So please let everyone move at their own pace! Yeah, Aunt Mildred, I'm talking to you! I see you over there telling little Jose he should hurry and marry the person that even you just met. Yet, you won't like them in a couple of years yourself, yet alone live with them.
3.) Pump the brakes and take everything slow.
This is something that I use to fail at miserably. Life once again isn't a sprint, but a meat smoke off, where low and slow will always prevail! Turn your emotions down and enjoy the process of letting everything work out as it should. If the person you're considering to be your spouse loves you now...then they SHOULD love you later. However long that takes for you both to feel comfortable enough to commit to each other. Don't be bamboozled by the honeymoon stage and before they realize that your feet smell really bad after playing flag football all day. Or that you scream at the top of your lungs when your fantasy football players are playing like molded trash wrapped in sprinkle cow manure.
4.) Fix your inner you!
Easily one of the most important things to finding a lasting and happy relationship is fix yourself first! Find you weakness and address those demons, because nobody else can or will. That doesn't meant be afraid to involve the person you're courting (so 1970's and 80"s) into this healing process either. They need to see the dark side of the moon to appreciate the light side. At the same time they can't solve the riddle that is you. Only you can look within and gain the strength to be stronger where you are weak. Remember ladies and gentleman, Oprah told us in her book, If someone says you complete me then you should run like hell. Same can be said if you are the one saying it.... Nobody can complete you beside GOD and yourself.
Give your spouse your best self, not the I'm working on myself.
This is only the beginning on this topic for me. I personally look forward to still finding that good love as Mary J loves to sing about. Yet, I 'm content on waiting on it to be right as well. No more rushing my meat to cook, but instead letting it smoke nice and slow
:). As the wise wisdom say's let love find you and in the meantime you find the better version of yourself!
Peace,Love, and Pickle juice my peeps!