Boy, oh boy, what a fun time this battle with loneliness has been for me for the last 28 years. The endless nights of self-doubt, the constant negative conversations in my head saying you're this or that, the back and forward debate of who really loves me for me and who really cares? It ran me up the insanity tree then right back down. Then just when I thought the battle was over there goes some song or article that reminds me that you're still alone and lonely (Thanks Akon).
I tried to rely on my kids, my dog, alcohol, and weed, but none of that ever worked! I would still end up feeling alone and depressed. I would still look for something else to add to my life that would give me that feeling of security. Or that I had someone or something that actually cared. Even though I'm sure my kids and my awesome dog Jazzie loves me for me. I'm also sure that the people at my favorite dispensary and alcohol shop love me in their own special way too. None of that seemed to matter, nor does it!
Hell, I even got into countless amounts of bad relationships, just so I could feel like I wasn't lonely. Which each one left me feeling even more lonely and deeper in a depressed state. There is no worse feeling than making yourself believe someone cares for you, to only accept the truth. That neither one of you could honestly care less after the relationship has spoiled.
So recently I decided to put all of my self-doubt, ill-will, malice, and every other negative word you want to add in a bucket and yelled out F*CKit, as I kicked into the river. This may be a figurative saying, but I feel that I honestly did that. I no longer cared, who cared for me or who I could spend time with on the weekends. I stopped caring about how people viewed me in public gatherings. Or if I should hold back my personality in front of certain people. Instead, I started appreciating myself for myself. I started spending time doing what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it. I started loving myself for my own jokes and my own moments when I just feel like freestyling for the hell of it. I'm so committed to this lifestyle that if the Humpty dance (RIP) came on at Wal-Mart I would likely give everyone a good show. I STARTED LOVING BEING AROUND ME!
And ironically, IT WORKED!
I found myself being able to cope with my own depression. I found myself meditating and developing my own positive thoughts. Measuring my own self-worth in my own way and manner. Not comparing myself to others and wondering why I don't have what they have or can say the words they can say. At the end of the day, why does it matter? Why put such a burden on ourselves to fit into societal norms and be needy of other lonely people? This is not ok. This isn't the way humans are supposed to live. If you can't love yourself, then why expect others to love you? The answer is you and they CAN'T!
So instead, take a lesson from my first blog and remember, only you can be you! So be you and love yourself harder than you ever have. Accept your faith and destiny and let the cards fall where they may. People will try to bring you back into the loneliness bubble of depression with them, but remain strong and remember your secret weapon. You are OK with being alone! So isolate yourself and recharge as often as need be.
Then remember this, whenever times get scary stick to my four B's: Be brave, be bold, and be brilliant! Then always, always, always, BE YOU!
I love you guys, just not as much as you love yourself :).
Peace, love, and pickle juice!